Soothers vs Signallers
Soothers vs Signallers
Whether your bub is a soother or a signaller has got nothing to do with you. As parents, we often blame ourselves or wonder if we did things differently. Was it the traumatic birth they experienced? Is it my anxiety? Was it because we contact napped for the first 3 months? No. None of this makes a difference. Your baby was either a signaller or a soother before you even knew you were pregnant when the egg met the sperm and their genetic make up and temperament was determined.
A soother is a baby who will wake up and put themselves back to sleep without much fuss. They may have some behaviours they do such as rubbing their ears or rolling around to get comfortable when they’re a little older, but usually they just wake, and if their environment is calm and familiar, fall back to sleep. They haven’t “learned” this because you can’t teach it, it’s just comes naturally to them. You might think they’re sleeping through the night when actually, they’re not, you just don’t know they’ve woken. They may need you a little bit sometimes, and even more when teething or sick, but overall it’s pretty hands off. Those people who tell you about the sleep trainer they used and now bub is sleeping through the night and it was relatively easy, yep, they have soothers. If you have a soother, you’re also probably not reading this because why would you click on a sleep article when sleep is going really well?
A signaller is a baby who will call for you almost every time they wake. Depending on your child, they will want their own specific way to be put back to sleep, and this can vary from baby to baby. The sleep training industry will tell you that you created a signaller as they have developed associations with being fed or rocked to sleep. Again, this is not true. You probably used these things to get bub to sleep because they were a signaller from day one. If bub is waking and calling out for you every time, they are simply a signaller, and we believe the easiest way to get them back to sleep is the right way. Feed, rock, cuddle, whatever works. You are not creating bad habits. You’re helping your bub get to sleep. The sleep training industry will also tell you that you can teach bub to self soothe or settle. You can’t. If they are a signaller, developmentally you cannot teach this skill to your baby.
Trying To Make a Signaller a Soother
When you try to sleep train a signaller, it doesn’t work. You’ll wonder what you’ve done wrong, or whether there is something wrong with your baby. You and your baby haven’t failed; the sleep training industry has failed you.
When you persevere with sleep training a signaller, you will have to up the anti. What we mean by that is that you’ll have to leave them quite distressed for some time without responding. What eventually happens is bub realises their crying isn’t working to get you to come to them, and so they give up. They don’t learn to sleep or settle themselves, they learn that no matter how hard they ask you just won’t come. So they stop. A sleep training consultant may congratulate you here – you persisted and it worked. But at what cost? Also, now you have to keep doing this, because your baby is so clever and will try again soon to see whether their cries have started to matter, and you’ll have to teach them they don’t all over again. Yep, “sleep training” needs to be done again, and again, and again. You’re probably also pretty distressed yourself by this point – shushing and patting in a dark room with white noise blaring in your ear while your baby screams is pretty bleak. If you have done this without knowing, it’s okay. So have we. You haven’t ruined your relationship with your child – we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and it’s never too late to repair.
What To Do For A Signaller Instead?
There are alternatives to help you get more sleep with a signaller. Real, evidence based, gentle alternatives that strengthen your relationship with bub, not compromise it. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard and you won’t be tired, but these alternatives are your best bet at getting the maximum amount of sleep for you and your family.
Find ways for you to get more sleep
Reverse sleep in (also known as going to bed really early), sleeping when bub sleeps (ok, we know this is not always possible but for some people it is), sleeping in while your partner or support person takes bub in the mornings, sharing the night wakes with your partner, catching up on weekends, or hiring paid help. Whatever may work for you, find it. There are always solutions and ways to find more sleep for yourself.
Accept it
This might sound harsh, but it’s really liberating when you accept that you can’t teach your baby to sleep or settle themselves. Remind yourself what you can control, and what you can’t, and life will feel a whole lot easier when it comes to bubs sleep. Your baby will be able to settle themselves one day soon, but today is not that day.
Share a sleep surface with your baby
We know that up to 80% of families will bed share in the first 6 months of their baby’s life, even if they don’t plan to. Co-sleeping and bed-sharing are contentious topics with both benefits and risks. Benefits include increased sleep for bub and mum, but there are risks too, particularly if not done safely. There are lots of professionals though who believe co-sleeping and bed sharing can be done safely, ultimately it comes down to what you’re comfortable with and what works best for your family. Trust your instincts. You can read more about safe sleep guidelines here to help you decide if co-sleeping is for you. If you decide it isn’t, a co-sleeping bassinet is another option which can provide some benefits of co-sleeping.
Do whatever works
Find the quickest and easiest way to get bub to sleep and do that. Feed to sleep, rock to sleep, play music, put them in the car, swaddle, don’t swaddle, give them a dummy – whatever works best to get your baby to sleep are the things you should do, assuming they’re safe for sleep. No, you will not create bad habits, you will create a trusting and secure relationship between you and your baby, get more sleep, and have less stress in your life. If things are feeling unsustainable and you’re struggling, get in touch with us, we can help you to gently build new habits.
Carriers and contact naps
The carrier can be a great tool during the day for sleep. Usually signallers want you near them for sleep, so pop them in a carrier and go about your business while they sleep on you. If you don’t mind, let bub sleep on you while you watch some TV. It might be easier than going into their room every 5 minutes when they keep waking up wanting you. Car and stroller naps can also work well for some babies too.
Side lying breastfeeding
If you’re breastfeeding, side lying feeding is something we recommend you try out. It’s normal for babies to wake a lot to feed in the night, but it can be tough on parents. Being able to feed lying down will make the night feeds a whole lot easier. You can continue to rest while bub feeds, and it can be easier to manage the separation from a signaller when you just need to slide away from them (if you’re sharing a sleep surface or using a co-sleeping bassinet). It can also help in the early days when you’re still recovering from birth and sitting upright can be difficult and sore.
Don’t compare
It can be hard when you have a bub who wakes a lot, especially when you talk to other parents with babies of a similar age who sleep through the night, put themselves to sleep, take 3 hours long naps, and sleep in till 7am – but comparing your baby to theirs will just make you feel worse. Remind yourself, it is not because of anything you did and there is nothing you can do to change it. This is just who your baby is and they will sleep through the night one day too.
Self care
Look after you, too. Sleep challenges can be really rough. Find a way to engage in activities that make you feel good and refreshed, whatever they may be. We know it’s hard right now, but something - even a hot shower on your own, or a solo walk around the block - is better than nothing.
Our experienced team can discuss your concerns - contact us to learn more.
